You sat cross legged on the carpet floor of your apartment.
"Hey, Al!" You called out. "Can you come over here for a second?" You asked your boyfriend of three months, whom you also shared this apartment with.
"The hero is here!" He yelled, pouncing at you from behind. In surprise, you let out a yelp and fell backwards into his chest.
"Alfred F. Jones, didn't I tell you many times not to do that?" He grinned sheepishly down at you and did that obnoxiously loud laugh of his, causing you to laugh as well. You playfully smacked his head.
"Anyways," You began, sitting back up and facing him. "How many hamburgers do you eat on average per day?"
"Hm, about...forty." You face palmed. The number was higher than you expected. Much higher.
"Well I was reading a while ago and did you know that the amount a polar bear eats a day is equal to seventy-three and a half Big Macs?" His face brightened and he started getting giddy and jumpy.
"Really!? Aw man, that's awesome, dude! I want to be like that." He announced dreamily.
"Alfred! You already eating over half the amount of the polar bear's! This isn't the point of why I told you! Look at this!" I poked his stomach. "You're getting fat!" To be honest, you were exaggerating just a bit. Despite his monstrous appetite, Al somehow managed to keep his body in good shape. Sure, there's some fat here and there, and the only vegetables he eats are French fries, but he's not to the point of overweight yet. You still thought that eating forty hamburgers a day is abnormal and unhealthy for a human being. As his girlfriend, you took it as your job to help him change his eating habits. A genius plot began to form in your mind.
"Al, do you want to play a game with me?"
"Oh! What kind of game, (Name)? Like a video game!? Let's play one of those horror games Kiku lent me!"
"No, not a video game! Just a game. Want to play?"
"Sure. What's it called?"
"The Hamburger Game. Now the rules are-"
"Dude, that's a totally awesome name! I'll play!"
"Are you sure you don't want to listen to the rules before you agree?"
"Whatever, I'm the Hero! I can do whatever I want!"
"Okay. I'll have to tell you the rules either way. Alright, so everyday, you eat an average of forty hamburgers. I'll give you a kiss for every hamburger you cut down from that total everyday. Does that make sense?" Alfred awkwardly scratched his head, eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.
"For example, you eat thirty hamburgers one day. Then I'll give you ten kisses. But if you eat more than forty hamburgers then.." Now it was your turn to scrunch your eyebrows together. What could possibly be a good punishment for the cheerful boyfriend of yours? A horror movie marathon? No, he'd like that...and you would be paying for that decision at night. A junk food ban? He would probably go into a horrible depression phase.
"Then you'll have to eat a box of Arthur's fresh made, delicious scones!" You decided. A horrible shudder went through Alfred's spine.
"Do you want me, the Hero to get food poisoning? Baby, I love you! Don't be so harsh.." He crawled over to you and threw his arms around your neck, resting his head on your shoulder. Sorry, Al. I don't want to do this. You thought. But this is the only way to get you to reduce the amount of food you're eating.
"I love you too, Al. But a deal's a deal. You agreed to play this game and a hero never goes back on his word, right?"
"Fine. This is not cool at all, dude.."
It was decided that the game would last for five days. Today was the first day. Alfred took you down to the McDonald's across the street, part of his daily routine everyday. He came here so often that he could recite the menu by heart and knew all of the employees' names and birthdays. Likewise, they always greeted him like an old friend.
"Hey Al!" The cashier, whose name tag read as John, nodded. "The usual?"
"Nah. I'll just have five Big Macs, a large Coke and fries."
"Only five? That's not like you..."
"I just decided to cut down a bit." Al grinned and turn to you. "What about you, (Name)? Are you going to order?"
"I'll have a _____" Alfred payed and brought the food over to a nearby table.
"That'll be thirty five kisses, thank you very much." He said, leaning in.
"Nice try. The day's not over yet, silly."
It was a very difficult day for both Alfred and you. He tried to resist the urge to eat more burgers while you tried your best to ignore the multiple puppy dog eyes that he shot you everytime the two of you passed by a fast food restaurant. To top that all off, the total burger count for the day was thirty nine. He only cut down by one burger. You were already starting to lose hope in this game and it was only the first day.
"Alright, like I promised you, I'll give you a kiss. Ready?" Oh he was ready alright. A bit too ready. Sitting cross-legged again, eyes tightly shut, lips puckered, Alfred was ready to be kissed. You smiled ever so slightly at his enthusiasm and leaned in, placing a chaste kiss on his lips and pulled away.
"Eh? That's it!?"
"What do you mean 'that's it'?" You asked innocently.
"It's too short!" He complained.
"Short? I don't think I've ever specified the length of the kiss. A kiss is a kiss, Al." He sulked in the corner.
"I don't want to play this game anymore..." He muttered.
"Scones, Al. Remember the scones." You reminded him. He cringed and proceeded to walk back to his room, pouting.
Surprisingly, both day two and day three yielded astonishing results. Alfred's burger count lowered dramatically. It felt so good to finally see some progress and to be so close to success.
But on the fourth day....
Shuffle, shuffle. Crack! A loud noise startled you. You sat up in your bed and rubbed your eyes. Three in the morning. Who could it be? An intruder, perhaps?
"Al?" You whispered. No answer.
"Alfred?" You looked to your left and realized that your boyfriend was not next to you. You panicked and grabbed the bottle of pepper spray you kept in your purse. You never thought that this would be of any use, but it looks like it will now!
You crept outside your bedroom. The floorboards were not in your favor today, creaking with every tiny step you took. The sound came from the kitchen.
There, illuminated by the mini refridgerator light, was your boyfriend, happily munching away on a burger that he managed to sneak in the house.
"Alfred F. Jones! Explain to me what you are doing at three in the morning?"
"Um..eating a burger?"
"Eating a burger. Huh. I can't believe you!"
"Sorry, (Name)! I am so sorry! But this one was calling out to me! Saying "eat me, eat me" I couldn't leave the poor thing there!" He cried.
"That's what you say after every burger you eat!" You let out a sigh and calmed down. "A game is a game and since you broke the rules..you know what's coming."
"No! (Name), don't do it! I love you! Don't do this to me!" You ignored all of his protests and took out your cellphone.
"Hello?" A groggy British voice answered.
"Hey Arthur? Can you do me a favor?"
Several weeks later...
"Hiya (Name)!" Alfred, who recovered from Arthur's scones, greeted you. You looked up from the book you were reading.
"So, I was talking to Francis a while ago and.." You frowned. Alfred rarely ever talked to the perverted French man. Whatever it was that he is going to say must not be good news.
"What do you say we try that Hamburger Game again but with French Fries instead? We'll change up the rules too..you know like..the type of kiss?" Of course. You wouldn't expect anything less from a conversation with Francis.